I just want to be just like you.

Just blend in with the rest of the room maybe point me to the nearest restroom.

This one will be another about Lady Dancebot. It seems that, historically, I find the most need for my blog when I have affairs of the heart; my emotions often confuse me, and I rarely know what to do. I feel more at peace when I write about them because it gives me the chance to work them out and present them, even if nobody is paying attention.

Emotions are a part of us that we constantly are deciding the truth about. The same things can make us angry at one moment and happy at another. What is it that does that? Why is it that for some people, certain traits or qualities are acceptable and in others, they're endearing? Maybe it stems from your gut feeling about thee person. It is common for me to know whether or not someone is a person I care to be around, enjoy the presence of, want to know from the get go, and when someone is a person I want to get away from. It usually has nothing to do with their habits and life choices so much as how who they are, the combination of their constituent factors, appears.

I liken it to cars. Many car companies try to innovate their vehicle lines by combining pieces from other vehicles to improve another. In some cases, it works out, but in others, even if every piece is the theoretical best component, the car is a total flop and ends up being written off as a failure. I find that this is true with people too. Someone who is funny, attractive, hardworking and driven may be overall unappealing.

Every girl that I have ever loved has been missing one factor. My first, junior high love, wasn't driven. She would end up exactly where we left her in a project if we did not check on her. Granted, she was young, but from what I hear, she hasn't changed much. My first girlfriend wasn't by any means smart, though she always did have the drive to improve herself and try to improve her academics. My second girlfriend had a lot of difficulty respecting the people around her, and took a lot of people and actions for granted. Of course, I could say many great things about all three; the first was and still is a natural beauty, the second was one of the most caring people I knew under her rough facade, and the third was intelligent and family-oriented. I always, though, sacrificed something to be with the best of all else.

And so now I am stuck with a dilemma. Lady Dancebot is funny, charming and driven. She is a university student so she is some kind of smart. She is passionate about what she enjoys, and I do think she is attractive physically too, though some disagree. My two issues are that firstly, pursuing her would be crossing a line I don't necessarily feel comfortable crossing, and second... What's the catch? There has to be something less than desirable about her that I don't know yet, and I would have to get past issue one before ever really finding out. And if it turns sour, well, that first issue would come crashing down on me. She's the best friend of someone I hold dear and my last intention is to have her angry at me, or to have the two of them be awkward or upset with one another.

So what do I do? I told myself maybe I would find someone more available to me at university this year, or maybe my interest in Dancebot would diminish over time. It's been almost ten months since I first noticed her and nothing has changed there. Maybe I just have to find gold in the next eight months at school to emerge happy.

This isn't easy but I suppose nothing worthwhile in life ever is.

Bottle Caps and Ball-point Pens

I don't really know what I want to say... I'm looking at a blank page at the moment, knowing I want to write but unsure of what about. I suppose on my mind immediately is what I hope to accomplish by writing in this blog. I've always said that my writing is meant to just be for me, for me to sort my thoughts out figuratively in my head by sorting them out physically on paper. Of course, if you're reading this post, you probably have read others. Recalling my most prominent posts, I realize now that the majority of my posts are things that I wish I could say in real life, but simply don't have the confidence to. From my rage post to that one guy from back in the day, when I used to play MapleStory, to my current posts about Lady Dancebot, they're all things that I wish I was nice enough, or brave enough, to say, respectively. I suppose that I write in hopes that one day, they'll stumble upon my words and understand exactly how I felt about them.

Does that ever happen, in reality? People understanding exactly how others feel? Probably not, but one can always hope, right? Hope's something that you should never give up... in the game of life, there's always a way to do whatever you want, always. People scoff and say "okay then, sprout wings and fly." If that was my dream, I would make it happen. After all, people said we'd never set foot on the moon, that we'd never break the speed of sound, and so on... it can't be that hard. We already fly planes. In the words of Kevin Garnett... "anything is possible!"

I think that's all for today. I need a shower, and it's 2am. I have a long day ahead, might as well try to get some sleep.

Nora Roberts and Jane Austen

Elaborate scenarios of how we are to meet, start talking, fall in love...  My mind races with thoughts of her as I lay in my warm bed after a long day of relaxation. Despite all the happy memories formed in the last twenty-four hours, it is her on my mind as I prepare to slumber. Her figure, face, laugh consume me. I can perfectly picture her sinewy body in my mind's eye, from her quiet eyes down to her slightly large feet. I do not understand why she refuses to exit the maelstrom of thoughts I keep in the jail cell of my mind, and yet here she is, on the eve of the second full week since I last laid eyes upon her.

I roll on to my belly, planting my face deep within my pillow and labor out a sigh. I am struck between a discord of emotion and reality. On one hand, there she is, representing the monster inside my heart, yearning to dote upon her, and on the other, the cold hard rule of my brain reminding me that she may not be my love herself, but more she represents the love I have never had.

I think back to the previous girlfriends I have had. Only two exist, and yet a combined two years and four months have been spent between the two. The first was when I was young; only 16 when it ended, herself only 14, she finishing her first year of high school and me finishing my second. She has apologized to me, and I to her, about the stupidity that arose in that relationship... Her abandoning me as I needed her most, my placing full emotional and physical importance in my own situation rather than sharing it between the problems I faced. I stand by the fact that she was more wrong than I, but I digress that it doesn't truly matter.

And then there is my more recent relationship, a girl who, despite her obvious intellect, refused to believe that anyone was entitled to anything apart from herself. The thought of how she would continue to berate me for leaving her, of how she felt used and replaced, of how she felt as thought she deserved to be treated better after all she did for me... The memories make my stomach turn, causing me to turn to face the dull ceiling above me once more, sighing a deep breath.

After those situations which I dubbed as love, it makes sense that the first pretty, funny, happy girl I found would be the one I would fall in love with, my brain reminds me. I obviously have far too quick of a decision making process to choose something as important as a girlfriend.

But she IS pretty, happy and funny. My heart refuses to give up, and soon my brain will grow weary. My heart can skip a beat every time she is mentioned, my eyes can snap to her picture every time it appears on screen, my subconsciousness can continue to dream up circumstances in which we are together... But my mind always wins out in the end, and convinces me to move on and accept the fact that there will be another, better girl, and to forget this foolish crush.

Better than Lady Dancebot? My heart laughs derisively. Your loss.

======

People have told me before that some of my blog posts appear like excerpts from romance novels. I decided I would try to explain my current emotional state in that mode, as a mental exercise. I wonder how well or badly I managed to do so. Remembering my high school English grade, likely not that well.

Oh well, Lady Dancebot. Another day, another dollar.

Travel Toothbrush and Shaving Cream

The fastest way to a mess with me is to make me feel bad about things. That being said, if I'm justified in doing what I did, I won't feel bad, but rather argue with you. It's a fine line, especially when it comes to my family. I often have a hard time arguing with anyone in my family, unless I feel they really deserve it. As a result, oftentimes the decisions that I make are borderline in my mind, and either side I choose will cause one family member or another to be upset.

What exactly can I do about it? Sometimes you have to make the decisions that make you happiest... scratch that, you should ALWAYS be making the decision that makes you the happiest overall. If making your little sister or big brother happy comes at the cost of, say, your day off for the week, then you have to weigh them against each other. Is the happiness of your family equal to, greater, or less than the happiness that would come to you in your afternoon in a park drinking cheap beer and smoking cigarettes? Everyone will have a different answer depending on who or what the days will involve, but the point still stands.

After all, true happiness comes from within, doesn't it? Nobody else can tell you how to be happy... they can only contribute to your happiness... and even then, only if you let them.

Time to make a decision. Can you be happy in spite of all the horrors of the world... or can you not?

Watching the four walls...

How is it that I never understand how I feel? I don't quite know how to explain it. People have once or twice told me that I have a way with words... I wholeheartedly disagree. When it matters, I can never seem to properly articulate my intentions.

I suppose it largely stems from two factors. The first factor would be my inexperience. I am only 20 years old. I feel old, and I have felt as though enough has happened to me so far that I can formulate accurate descriptions of feelings upon request, however it appears that every day I face some new issue that has never plagued me in past. I suppose it is understandeable, though; very rarely are two situations identical, or even similar enough that you can apply the same rules and procedures that you did last time, I find.

So then I suppose the second factor, my shyness, is more important. I often find myself nervous to try anything new; from a large scale like trying to choose what it is I want to direct my life towards, to the snall scale of speaking to the pretty girl who's been on my mind on and off for half a year. At the end of the day, it is in my best interests to do both of those things and many more of varying importance in between. Why is it that I am so afraid of failure that I cannot talk to her? Why is it that I am so afraid of making one wrong move on my quest to adult life that I can't decide what I want my schooling to be? It's maddening and yet it is entirely something that can be solved by manning up and taking risks, knowing that regardless of outcome, not only does life go on, but I am still not truly all that bad off.

Aesop's Grapes: if you wanted something but you couldn't have it, you didn't get it... it probably wasn't all that good for you anyway.

Pink Roses and Birthday Cake

For the first time in a long while, I feel steady in my life. It seems like just yesterday that I didn't know how the next day would go, and I was honestly afraid of moving forward. It's crazy to think that it was actually about 9 months ago.

Being around people whom you care about makes a big difference. Being able to protect and help those you care about is integral to a man's life. It is what we strive for, why we work and the reason we live. Some people simply don't have anyone they care about; that's why they drink their lives away and flaunt their money until it is all gone.

Then one day, they find that saving grace... the thing that they fight to protect, that they go clean for. If they don't find it, they die on the bottom, unhappy and lonely. Death isn't a way to prevent things from getting worse, it's a way to ensure they never get better. And dying on the bottom means that you never found a way to move up... you never made an effort to make life something worth living.

I look around me and see unhappy people who drink their problems away and wallow in their unhappiness. I think that if I were ever to fall in love, it would be with not necessarily the most beautiful woman, but with the one who is happiest with herself ... someone who takes pride in their life, who enjoys what they do, and is bien dans sa peau, as the French say it. That is someone who I can share my life with, because it means that she knows how to deal with problems; everyone has them, happiness stems from knowing how to solve them.

Maybe that's why, every time I see her, I immediately am interested. She's allergic to the world and smiles through her sneezes. Beautiful.

Goodnight until next time, blog. Maybe I'll see you around in another few months...

Mint Card and Blue Slippers

Why is it that we act differently around different people? I often find that I'm a completely different person depending on who I am talking to. Well, maybe not completely, I suppose that my morals and my level of logic stays the same, but the way I act and the words I choose are heavily dependent on the audience I speak to.

Obviously this is normal under some circumstances. I would not talk to my parents the same way I would talk to my friends, my cousins, my grandparents, and so forth. On another token though, I'm different even to different friends, and further, to the different friends of friends, depending on what I envision happening. If I see myself becoming friends with the person, I might be a little more open, if I see the person as someone who would not be my type of person to hang out with, I don't bother.

Of course, it became evident to me only recently when I realized that I am overly polite to girls that I find attractive or interesting. I treat them as if I am some sort of... English butler or something. I don't know, weird analogy, but what can I do.

I am not sure if it is a bad thing, though. I am okay with different people knowing me as different Mikes. I don't mind girls I like to think of me as polite and respectful. If I'm not their type because of it, then oh well. Can't say I didn't try, can I?

I enjoy these lovey dovey "romance novel" style posts. Reminds me of how little love I really felt in my relationships. Makes me laugh that I can feel more love alone than with people.

Maybe I was just meant to be alone? Sigh.